Ms Medusa gets personal!
Hi Readers! I've been on my Samadhi Plan Diet for the last 2 months. This involves eating nothing but ethereal ambrosia and slapping my rich but stupid devotees about the head at every opportunity. I've managed to lose more than 20 kilos and am back to my buxom best, after last year's choci orgy when I got up to Sumo fighting weight and needed a family-sized tent to walk around in! Now I can truly say I am an Olympian Goddess reborn ... This year I've been in my Himalayan retreat in Rishikesh, taking a break from my day job as a Guru. The Virgin Ganga truly has miraculous properties! All my dodgy karma from my days as that infamous Mafioso Real Estate Radha, has been washed away in its soothing caress. Now I feel fighting fit, so come back Gabriel, all is forgiven ... Ramesh Balsekar is such a dessicated old bore he really doesn't deserve you! If you're a good boy I'll get the horse whip out and give you a jolly good beating! It'll be just like old times ...
As for those other dunces who dare to call themselves my devotees, I have made them waste lots of monies feeding the feckless poor ... While anyone who does not do my bidding is dismissed from my company. Being one of my devotees is like a game of musical chairs ... And when I feel like some amusement, I smash up all the seating and then they're history!
To relieve the ennui, I've been working as a waitress at Usha's. I've become the Belle du Jour [wasn't that a Catherine Deneuve movie from the 60s?] and cultural icon of the Advaita smorgasbord. With my friend Prema we shimmer in orange and dazzle the masses with our spectacular glamour. And when I get really bored, I drop in on a few satsangs ...
I want to tell you a secret, Cherished Readers. Those small-time con-artists just can't resist my charms. They plead for private audiences and keep on coming back for more! That Karl Renz visited my Advaita monastery for personal correction. After I fed him dog food and put a studded collar around his neck, yanking the leash with all my might, I sent him on a penance for a thorough colonic cleanse. So I'm very sorry but Karl is unable to sit for satsang at the moment ... he's not enlightened and he's indisposed ... 'in flagrante' with a hose pipe up his ass!
And guess what? That creep Mark-Hans begged me for a taste of enlightenment! I told him to close his eyes and open his mouth ... You should have seen the look on his face, when I shoved sour candy down his stupid gullet! It made me laugh like a banshee!
Finally Beloved Ones, Sri Sri SRI Kevinandaji has at last relented and allowed me to become a full Chi-ting devotee. After he wrote that scurrilous Enid Blyton story about me [Radha Ma and the Temple of Isis] I tried to join the club. But he is so, so cruel, he said my qualifications did not fit and that I was carrying far too much weight ... Even though I wrote him a paean of praise on my award winning blog!
So Dear Readers, you'll see me again. But do not catch me unawares ... My wrath can wake the Furies, my stare turn you to stone!
Love and kisses, Ms Medusa xxx
Love and kisses, Ms Medusa xxx
To be continued ...